{February 14, 2012}   Update

I’ve had so much going on in the past few months.

1) I graduated early from law school!!! Yeah! So does this mean I get to take the bar early? Nope… because…

2) I am on the board of a large organization and have been planning a convention, which begins tonight. I have mixed feelings about my time on the board this year and I think it will be awhile before I serve in a similar capacity. What I have learned is that a) everyone’s a critic – I don’t need that because I am my own worse critic. b) At the end of the day people look out for themselves. I realize that I can be such a people pleaser that I often forgo what is best for me, yet I have NEVER felt like the sacrifice is worth it the end. I guess, I am looking for acknowledgement of my work and the truth is, it rarely genuinely happens. Lesson learned? It sounds selfish but I need to look out for me. I am of no use to others when I am miserable… I guess my feelings aren’t that mixed after all. I will say that I enjoyed the comradeship, but when I was left hanging and took the blame for another’s failures I realized I was the only one who thought the friendships were genuine. Maybe its the military brat in me or, more likely, the nerdy little girl still stuck inside, but I am always trying to establish genuine friendships. The bosom buddy friendships occur once in a lifetime if that. I’m good with acquaintances, in fact almost everyone who calls themselves my friend, I would call an acquaintance. The blow happens when I develop any time fealty towards someone and think they have that kind of loyalty towards me. Otherwise on a normal basis acts of treachery disturbingly don’t bother me, because I assume most people are out for themselves and I think that is okay. I just need to be better prepared and I need to not take alliances at face value, especially in my career. I may need to make a rule about no more work friendships. There is just no such thing.

3) I am “working” on my thesis… the above situation has also sidelined that.

4) I have a job, but I am not stellar at it right now. Which sucks because it takes almost no actual brainpower, its more of a job where they want you to look like your busy and I want to not waste my time. So they get aggravated when I work on convention stuff or thesis stuff, which is completely understandable. But I get aggravated because I finished the excel sheet assignment an hour ago and I don’t think I should have to pretend to still be working on it when I could use the down time to work on something more pertinent. However, considering I shot myself in the foot by not taking the bar early, I need this job so fake it I shall do.

Point of the story… the month of February has been my purgatory and I am getting what I deserve because I should have looked out for me, everyone else would have and has done so. When I graduated I should have quit the position, I should have left them hanging. Not out of meanness but because the organization is no longer beneficial to me. However, I did not because I wanted to be a person of my word. I wanted finish what I started. I didn’t want to leave others who were “relying” (I think they would have managed without me) on me in the lurch. I didn’t want to tarnish my reputation. They really have no real power to do so, but like I said I like being seen as reliable. Honestly working with some of the people and their own disorganization is probably doing more harm than me walking out on them… I’ll save it for another post, but I think the irony is, I’m pretty sure that I am not seen as reliable anyways. I have so much going on and people are used to me being like a bottomless pit. They can just pile it on and I keep producing. Whether they need work done or my time, I’m pretty much always saying yes. But now if I say yes, the turn around is slower or quality diminished because I am overloaded. If I say no, people are pissed because they are not used to hearing “no.” Like I said, I like being valued as reliable and the go-to gal… What can I say I had a very old fashion upbringing. This is another post but one day I will talk about how an old fashion upbringing hinders modern day success.

I’m rambling, so I’m going to end this post. I just wanted you to know why I don’t post more often. It’s on my list of things to do…


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